argh

i am seriously suffering from insomnia now.
i need a whack to knock me out so that i can sleep.

it kills

life is a bitch.

you know your financial assets are running low but it just slowly but surely plays with your mind. you have to click on that link to steal another glance at that particular piece of art. it draws you, it steals your sanity and it robs your money.

at the end of the day, you do not feeling a slight pinch that you have lost something. you are feeling happy instead, smiling to yourself. an act of convincing yourself that you have done the right thing because it is simply irresistible and you can never find a twin out there.

shopping, especially online shopping at my own convenience, kills my money.

christmas

what does christmas mean to you?

having a family gathering and catching up with relatives and cousins? or maybe you arent exactly that close to your family, so grab a few close friends and join the christmas party.

it is close to the end of the year. some are reviewing the resolutions they have made at the beginning of the year. check, it has been done. let's put a happy face sticker beside the task. argh! did not manage to achieve this because i was too busy with work for the whole year. i simply couldnt find time to do this. excuses! so it is a sad face.

it has been good or bad, depending on how you look it. some has things to celebrate for while some cannot find the festive mood at all.

but i think what is in everyone's minds is to have a better future. better in what terms? that is for you yourself to define. i am a little greedy. i dont hope for a better future. i wish for a miracle that i know it will never happen.

how can you not love it?

engineeringisfun.com.sg.

the url says it all. it is a website to encourage O levels graduates to take up engineering in poly. when i saw the postcard, i couldnt help and burst out laughing. being in the engineering faculty for 3.5 years, why cant i find the fun part of it yet? looks like i will be a bad ambassador at the engineering booth to clarify worrying concerns of hopeful applicants on open days.

it is a little late to ask myself if engineering is the route that i want to take. do i have regrets? probably. these 3.5 years have been one of the most stressful school days i ever had. i am competing myself against elites, who are smarter than me. the most frustrating part is when my efforts dont pay off and you have course mates who can get what they want easily by whatever methods. it angers me even more. but there is nothing i can do to make myself better except to study harder to work my ass off.

sometimes, i really wish that the line life is fair is true. that would help me greatly in overcoming this personal obstacle. i may not hate my student life as a chemical engineer that much then.

what happens if i didnt choose chemical engineering in the first place? what if i had taken up accountancy instead. after all that was my 2nd choice. probably in another dimension, there is another me. and i would have chosen the alternative and could be living a completely different life. was i happier with my decision or the opposite? this is the bad thing with having too much time at hand. you will start to think about the what if.

to end with a happy note

happy 2nd year! love you =)

holidays

the mad rush in school had finally ended. it is time to sit back and relax. but i am the kind of person who cant do nothing for the entire 5 weeks. my initial plan was to look for internship. i managed to find one which was something i would like to do. i was told in the first round, i would be mainly helping the company to organize events, seminars, which i had done in school before. and the best part i would be paid for doing something i enjoy. however, the story flipped when i went for the second round. it seems like the top management did not have any intention to let me participate in any of the activities mentioned earlier due to the short duration and so i would be doing door to door sales instead. crap! tough luck.

how about looking for other temporary jobs? i did check recruit websites but the thought of working my whole holidays away puts me off a little. i want to rest before my last sem starts. or simply, i am lazy.

learn something new? i haven thought of what but my friend told me to pick up my guitar again. haha. i haven been playing it for like years. i think i have forgotten all the fingerings and stuff. dont get too excited. i am talking about the real basics of playing the guitar here. baking? i can learn from my mum but she is busy taking care of my nephews. maybe i should go and take a look at the courses at red man one day and gather friends in my attempt to burn the kitchen down.

i have rested enough and it is time to do something crazy and fun. i want to do something that is out of the ordinary, something that i dont do often. just make my holidays a little bit more exciting besides enjoying my newly bought super freakonomics.

just be yourself

we have been signing up for courses to learn something new to improve yourself. seriously, the main objective of signing up for these courses is to impress.

why should you fear when you have real capabilities? often heard but this sentence does not contain the entire truth. everyone has their own capabilities in their individual fields. it is more or less taken for granted an essential criteria one must have. given that everyone is like you, a capable person, so what is it that divides you from the others? here the part where impression counts.

we have no fear for technical aspects of everything in life because we are trained to be like that since we were young. we can definitely pick up the important notes and keep reminding ourselves of all the do and dont. seriously, doesnt this turn us into programmed robots?

when communicating, it is not the do and dont that should bother you. you should be sincere in what you do and say. dont say something just because you have learnt that it is the right thing to say. the person who sparkles in the crowd is the one who presents the naked self in front of others. be truthful and sincere. there is no point in hiding behind the mask society has created. just be yourself.

this is something i had gained from a person whom i met for 30mins today. it is interesting how meeting with people can give you a different insight to life. haha. wish me luck!

(500) days of summer

this is not a love story. it is a story of boy meets girl.

if i have to name a great movie in 2009, this would definitely be in the list. i dont know why but i just cant help falling in love with it just like when tom first met summer. it is not the usual love story when couple meets, argues and back together again. the movie experience is bitter sweet.

this is exactly the way i am feeling right now with him. love is bitter sweet. it has its ups and downs but that is what made the bond stronger and even more magical. i start to appreciate the little things and effort by him. he taught me how to love and be loved.

i am dying to re-watch this movie and friends would know i do NOT do that at all. so the conclusion is i really do love this movie. maybe i would be inspired by tom and take up architecture just when i am in my final year. what a joke! enjoy this movie when you can.

stop complaining about your life!

is it really that bad? stop digging the negative points about life! why not take a step back and look at things at another perspective. they dont show their love openly, probably because they arent expressive people. they dont hug and kiss you good night everyday but it is alright. they have their own way to tell you i love you.

i should learn to be contented with my life.

reality check

reality check. what is considered as the norm and does it exist?

a norm life of a child is to get into a SAP primary school (not sure if this is still what they called those schools now) because it gives the parents an assurance that the child will be able to ace his studies. after that, good studies is not the only worry on the parents' minds. they are seeking a all rounder development in secondary school. that is when the division occurs and obviously all parents want the best for the child. ideally, the child must graduate with at least a good honours degree and is able to find the suitable job that fetches super high pay.

wake up! that's not happening to me here. this is society's norm? anything besides that are not worthy enough in this godly society? high spirited and adventurous when i am put in an unfamiliar and foreign environments. there are so many crazy things and ideas that i thought of that i want to do. i really do feel that impossible is nothing outside. but when you are back to home sweet home, you are pulled back to reality.

i must obtain good grades are constantly on my mind. friends attending career talks and applying to jobs that are prestigious. most or maybe all said good academic results is not everything. they want to look at our lives outside studies, the so-called soft skills, too. seriously, i doubt how much truth there is in their words. i personally heard this hr personnel first asking the student, so is this your current CAP, when he passed her his resume. we are also looking at other qualifications the applicant has besides good results. tell me about it.

i wish life could be more lenient.

you should know when to stop

not get over her, i want to get her back.

is this being stubborn or having a positive mindset?

your conscious tells you that there is no way you can do to improve on the situation anymore. all factors are not within your control. it is something like it really depends on the others now. but you just refuse to give up. you want to have another shot at it because you believe that no matter how insignificant your effort is, there is always a change. the magnitude of this change is not important. probably, you will succeed if you are given another opportunity. just one more. that's what we always heard.

but really, do you need that one more additional shot? do you really believe that it will make things turn around? there is really a thin line between being stubborn and naive. you should just know when to stop and let it go. stop acting like a bull!

wait, there is not the right way. we should always think on the bright side of life. like what everyone said, the sun will always be up after a gloomy day. does it help? will it make you feel any better when you are being pushed up the wall? it doesnt change anything but mind is always stronger. when you are trapped under a collapsed building, you dont tell yourself that yes, i am going to die right here right now. nobody is going to find me and bring me out of this damn place alive. the rescue team will have to carry me out. no! you tell yourself i have to survive i have to survive i have to survive i have to survive. that's why there are miracle stories of survivors who managed to escape despite being trapped under collapsed buildings for days. that's being positive.

oh why why why. why is all these negativity clouding above my head? just let things flow and nature takes its course. is this really what i want? i feel so handicapped when i am not in control. probably if world is a little less superficial, i might be a happier person.

grow old with you

i was listening to a short segment of 987 home and i heard this song.

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
I'll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

I'll need you
I'll feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if youve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

where do u look for comfort?

this is what i saw when waiting for my first out of the four mid term tests i will be having for the next two weeks. a girl, who was sitting a few rows away from me, was hugging her soft toy teddy. i did not observe her for the rest of an hour because i obviously had better and more important things to do. but i assumed she hugged it during the whole one hour duration.

on my way home after tuition, i saw a dad brought his two kids out for a walk, probably after a heavy dinner. coincidentally, those two kids were hugging a teddy in their hands too.

i am not going to mock at them, especially the undergraduate girl. in fact, i think it is perfectly fine for her to do that. during stressful situations, we all look for things to comfort us, make us feel better and happy. that's why the snacks that we eat during examinations period are called comfort food. then again, food is not the only source of comfort one can find. it can be anything, anywhere or even anyone. it does not require any physical shape. all it needs to do is to make you feel more at ease.

so where on earth is this thing? i dont know. you have to seek and find. my method may not work for you because we are different. i secretly do hope to be out of school soon.

what do i exactly want?

i dont want to go. i am not interested. what exactly is it that i want? even i myself has not found the answer yet. i dont know why but i have been hating the life that i am leading now. maybe cos it is monotone, with no excitement and nothing to look forward to except for holidays at the end of the year. that pretty much sums up my outlook of life for now.

this sucks! i dont really hate being a student because i know working life wont be anyhow kinder to me. but i do know is that i dont want to be this powerless, without any control of my life. i cant afford to do certain things because there are many considerations. i need to save up, i need to pay my dad the japan debt but i want a life. gosh! seriously, i am starting to wonder how closet muggers spend their lives. sad, pathetic and pitiful.

give me some fireworks and i will make wonders. if really i have super powers, like flying, so i can go to any part of the world whenever and wherever i like. i dont really mind the ability to control time too. so on sucky bad hair days, i will make my day ends fast and make time crawl when i am enjoying it. let's dream that a superhero kinda accident will happen to me tonight first. so keep daydreaming! it keeps the hope alive. at least i have my bitchy gossip girl new season to keep me accompany on days like this.

no, you have not missed out a lot

finally the one week break is here. woohoo!! nah, you have not been missing out much. got some good food and nice cold beer for the past 2 days. am i just enjoying life or clearly ignoring the fact that i still need to study for my mid term tests? well, let's the holidays begin!

i got developed some of my first holga collections. yes, the keyword here is some because i stupidly thought that i could collect my photos immediately on the same day if i developed lesser rolls of film. unfortunately, it did not work this way. it wasnt fantastic but a good start. let what sai said, continue shooting! please tell me any good spots to take photos okay?

i dun know why i have such a crazy fav for photography. maybe i got it from my dad cos my dad loves to take photographs. i remembered clearly when i was little, my dad would instruct me to stand at certain spot to take photo with the background. and every festive seasons, like christmas, all the shopping malls along orchard road would be well decorated with santa, elves and presents. though singapore does not snow, it felt more like christmas back then.

i have been dreaming for my camera for months. when when when can i ever lay my hands on it? sometimes, i wish i was working now. it is sick to work to spend. at least i am financially independent right? gosh! i miss the power of money.

let's end it off with some holga photos. =)


while waiting for the company bus...




the temple behind the 10yen coin




sake museum

what am i going to do?

what am i going to do with my life after i graduate? i think this is the big question that is in everyone's mind now. it is sick and tiring to go to career talks at least once a week when you know deep down in your heart that you stand almost no chances against the majority in the talk. demoralizing to face the harsh reality when you know all the talk about attitude and performance is just a politically correct answer to encourage more applicants. afterall, it is the grades that put you on the map.

damn. h strive and not sit by my laptop and typed this whiny entry? ow am i going to survive in this every man for himself society? no more friends look out for each other back kinda thing anymore. this is getting more like the survivor game. shouldnt it inspire me to strive and not sit by my laptop to type this whiny entry?

cool it girl! i guess there is frustrations building within me. what is the point of putting myself down when i still have another year to go? focus on how i should get to what i want to go. even if i dont reach my destination at the end of it, at least i have gave it a shot.

missing the play time

entering the 4th week of school soon but i have not got back my study momentum yet. i am still missing the play time during the holidays. exploring japan, travelling to taiwan and trying to catch up with old friends. i guess i am more in control of my schedule back then as compared to now. sorry, i cant make it because i have class. dont you just hate hearing this?

quick! accept the fact the school HAS STARTED long ago.

when i grow old, i wish i have many wonderful stories to tell my grandchildren. i wish i would never say i had worked and slogged my life away. i dont need an extraordinary one to be special. i wish to accomplish something in life, which i would be damn proud of.

not forgetting to mention this 12 years long friend to them. i find our friendship simply magical. we have known each other for more than a decade. although there are geographical difficulties at some point in time and we dont usually hang up everyday when you are back in spore, you are the one of the few people whom i can talk about my future with. i can allow my imagination to run wild and picture myself in every impossible situations because i know you would be the last person to make judgment on me. even though it maybe silly, we will just laugh it off.

love staying indoors in an air-conditioned and less crowded cafe and just chat. but i love even more your company. thanks babe and continue to laugh your head off at karen is so dumb karen is so dumb photo. anyway, we must be both tipsy when we took that shot.

leave everything behind

have you ever felt like abandoning everything and just leave? you dont have to worry about your performance in this crazy rat race. you dont have to plan your schedule to meet tight deadlines. all you need is confidence to convince yourself this is the right choice.

i wish one day i would have the courage to uproot myself and move to a foreign place to start afresh. somewhere like boston where no one knows my name. a place where people really do enjoy life, leading a well-balanced lifestyle.

why am i writing such depressing stuff? because i am need a break! not like holidays or travelling because i know too well that it is damn tiring. probably spending a day on my own, cuddling in the familiar corner in my room and day dream. all i want is a day to relax. i do not want to rush anymore.

back to singapore

finally back in Singapore. how was my trip is the common question i get when i meet up with friends. well, the overall experience is an enjoyable one. it is impossible to tell them every single detail of my trip, so here are the photos!


my dormitory


sushi lunch


yokohama Y150


disneyland


my weekend


baseball match


kyoto and osaka



yokohama drinking


tsukiji fish market and harajuku


colleagues


last weekend

right after farewell party

i just got back to dormitory from the farewell party. not like those emotional ones i used to have in my CCA in secondary school. to me, it was more of a dinner and an opportunity for everyone in the unit to interact. people dont have many chances to sit down and talk because they are all busy with their experiments, walking to and fro laboratory and office.

i cant believe that my internship is coming to an end in 2 days and i will be back in sunny island soon. i do miss spore food a lot because i cant find them here. imagine how happy i was when one of the colleagues said another colleague bought dried durian from the airport to office recently. DURIAN!! the king of fruits and of course, my favourite.

everyone is nice and takes extra good care of me. although the duration is too short to foster any strong friendship with the colleagues, i had fun knowing them. they taught me many things, like random japanese words, introduce me to the japanese custom such as we cannot refill our drinks by ourselves because they believe that by doing so, they wont be happy in the future. i dont know what else to say to them except thank you. i am very grateful for all the help that they have given to me for the past 10 weeks.

i feel sad to leave japan. firstly, i have not explored the whole of japan yet. seriously, travelling during the weekends arent enough. time is not on my side and so it restricts the area that i can visit. and i am actually enjoying the freedom i have now. totally in control of my life and schedule. i do not have to inform my parents if i will be home late or what and no nagging from them when i go home late. definitely i am in love with the drinking culture here. comparing to them, i am not considered as a strong drinker. but drinking and smoking are in their blood and of course i choose drinking. i love alcohol! and it is so much cheaper in japan than in spore. if i used to be able to drink once or twice in a month in spore, i think i can afford to drink weekly in japan.

finally free from fyp. i am just super super glad that it is officially over. it has been a killer for me during the past few days. the lack of sleep, without coffee this time round and the mad rush to prepare to leave japan makes me ultra tired. i guess i seriously do need to rest more these few days because my eyes kinda hurt when i was reading from the computer screen today. i shall sleep early and rest well before my sleepless night on sat.